I think we all know this, divorce f**king sucks! But I think it’s important that we talk about the reality of it, cause we are all affected by it in some way. No, Joe and I are not getting divorced! After seeing what our friends and family have gone through, we are in it for the long haul (that, and we still actually like each other).
My parents divorced when I was 23, so I didn’t grow up with divorced parents and didn’t have to navigate that life. However, that doesn’t mean my brothers and I don’t have to deal with some uncomfortableness when our parents are at the same event (ie, weddings). Joe and his ex-wife divorced when Charlie was 1.5. And now I’ve watched my brother go through a divorce with two young children. I’ve been through enough divorces, and talked to enough people who have been through a divorce, to have learned some lessons, and a few of those were unexpected. But first, a story.
A few weeks ago I was running one of my longest runs in preparation for my race. I had A LOT of time to think and reflect, and I kept coming back to events that had occurred two nights earlier at our son’s school auction. Now, I love any event that includes drinking wine, dancing and hanging out with my friends and husband, so I was really looking forward to this event. At one point I sat down at my friend’s table and introduced myself to one of the moms of Jackson’s friend. Our boys are both a little mischievous together so we had some laughs about the joys of raising boys. At one point she mentioned that she already knew who I was. I thought “oh, well yea, we have mutual friends”. She continued and stated that my ex-sister in law’s parents lived next to her parents and they had heard all of the drama of the divorce. She quickly added that she had told her parents that she didn’t want to judge Joe and I based on the rumors that were going around. Smart lady! But I was floored. How could someone, who had never met me, known all about my family and the hardships we were going through? All I kept thinking during my run was “what was being said about my family?” I had already heard a few lies from other people but I kept wondering what else was being said. I thought about my parent’s divorce and Joe’s divorce and all the anger that had surrounded those situations. (and those were pretty amicable compared to some other divorces I’ve seen). I thought about how focused we were on making sure everyone knew that we were not in the wrong, that Joe was the one that had suffered. I thought about my brother’s divorce and how focused we were on making sure everyone knew that the rumors that were being told about my family and my children, were lies. And these thoughts kept creeping into my head “keep your eye on your own paper” “stay in your lane” “other people’s opinions are none of your business”. And on mile 8, it hit me, “It’s time to stop all this bull shit”. I’m done! Divorce is awful! There is so much pain and anger surrounding it and the last thing we need is more fuel added to the fire. What we should be focusing on are the kids and how this terrible experience is affecting them. How do we make such a bad situation a little easier on these kids? I know. Everyone always says “I have the kid’s best interest at heart”. But is that true? I think we all want to believe it, but I’m not sure we all follow through with it. I know for a fact, that I have contributed to the gossip surrounding all of these divorces. I’ve lost friends and family members through divorce. And honestly, I’ve lost people from my life that I never expected to lose because people take “sides”. I believe I’ve even lost potential friends because some people won’t talk to me because I am Joe’s wife and they side with his ex. Is this really how we want to live? How is this helping anything or anyone? How does this help Charlie manage going from house to house? How does this help my niece and nephew navigate this new life of theirs? I am constantly talking about adding positivity to the world and helping others when they need help. It’s time I practice what I preach. So, I’m done. I’m out. I throw in the towel. I’m staying in my own lane, keeping my eyes on my own paper and not caring about anyone else’s opinion. I will not participate in this negative talk anymore and I will not add fuel to this fire. Sure, you want to vent or need advice, I’m here for you. But I will not be the person you can turn to anymore to gossip about other people’s hard times. These are people’s real lives, real pain and real emotions. Let’s do what is best for those children and get them through the hardest time of their lives. Cause guess what? Divorce f**king sucks! But we can help make it a little easier. Are you with me?
I'm an average girl who has discovered her passion for self-development after warrioring (yes, it's a word) through 6 miscarriages. I took that passion and applied it to helping others find their passions through High Performance Coaching. Boy mom to two "energetic boys" and navigating the art of being a step mom to a teenage girl, all while working daily on maintaining an authentic relationship with the best husband around. Sometimes mindful. Sometimes a runner. Always a little crazy!