Joy After loss

​What is joy? How does it feel? How do you know when you have or are experiencing it? Joy is a feeling that we are all striving for, yet there isn’t really a concrete answer to these questions.  Is it a feeling of contentment? Is joy an exciting feeling? Is it laughing or smiling all the time? Or is it just and easy feeling?  A feeling of peaceIs feeling content in our lives something that we are striving for? Contentment means that we aren’t really in a struggle, so is that joy? I have a hard time believing that contentment is something that we are striving to feel. I believe we want to feel more than just contentment.  
 
I’ve been struggling with joy.  I’m not sure I am feeling it.  I have moments where I think I feel joy but they are fleeting and I can’t figure out what brings the joy and what is stealing the joy.  Sometimes I feel joy after a good workout or when I hear a song I like.  Sometimes I experience joy when I  get a hug from my children or when I see them doing something sweet.  Other times I feel joy when I eat healthy and get a good night’s sleep.  I believe that my miscarriages and the continuous grief that came with them changed the chemistry in my brain.  However, that isn't the end of the road.  I know that I can re-wire my brain to experience joy again, it just takes time and effort. 
 
I’ve read all the books about what you are “supposed” to do to experience joy.  I practice my gratitude, I do my workouts, I experience nature.  But sometimes it doesn’t work. Why not? Is this part of life? Is this menopause? Am I just bored? Is joy connected to personality types? Does my husband experience more joy because he is more easy-going than I am? Or do I just feel more extreme of emotions?Is it normal to just not always feel joy? Sometimes we are happy and sometimes we just aren’t? I don’t know but I want to figure it out.  I know it isn’t possible to experience joy at all times, that that is just a story social media is feeding us.  If we always felt joy, how would we be able to recognize it? If we never experience grief or anger, how will we know when we are joyful? There needs to be some ups and downs.  
 
The largest and longest study shows that what brings happiness to people is community.  I do know that by becoming an entrepreneur I have actually secluded myself and cut myself off of community.  So how do I go about creating more community for myself?  And how much community is needed? I consider myself and extrovert/introvert.  I love being with people but I can also be drained by people.  So how much community is needed to feel happiness and not drained?
 
These are all of the emotions and questions I have been asking myself lately.  I intend to notice what is happening when I believe I am experiencing joy and take note of it.  My goal over the next year or so is to dive into joy.  I have been known as the grief girl for so long that I think I have taken on that identity and I really want to show that there is joy after grief.  You can experience such extreme pain AND experience joy again.  My goal with this blog/journal is not to gain followers.  My goal is to figure out what joy looks like for me and share that with you.  And if it’s something that resonates with you, awesome.  This won’t be the best writing you have read.  It most likely won’t be written every day, though it is my goal. I will be combining this with my work on helping women through grief after miscarriage as that is my passion. If it isn’t, that’s ok too, I’m not doing it for you.  I’m doing this for myself and my family.  Follow along if you like.