Weird. It’s the only word I can use to describe this week. Joe keeps telling me it’s the wrong word, but I can’t really think of another word. Just weird.
I started this week knowing it was going to be rough. I had two funerals to attend and it was National Pregnancy Loss day, which also happened to be the anniversary of our second miscarriage. Cause, yes, I did actually have a miscarriage on National Pregnancy Loss day. It’s my luck. I did a lot of mental prepping to make sure that I would be able to get through this week and be strong for those that needed me. I had assumed that I knew what was coming my way and I could plan for it, but I was wrong. See, here’s the thing with personal development and having it lead you to your purpose, it scares people. It scares me. People start questioning you and wondering why you are doing what you are doing. I question it! I question if I am on the right path and if I am actually helping people. But every once in a while, you get a sign. Something that tells you you’re on the right path and something that might even make you take greater leaps. My sign came in many different forms this week.
I attended the funeral of a high school friend. Honestly, it was a friend that I hadn’t kept in touch with since high school, but his death was a huge loss in a lot of my friend’s lives. I knew going to this was going to be sad, he was so young and such an amazing person. I also knew that I was going to see a lot of people from high school that I hadn’t seen in over 20 years and I was prepared to deal with that weirdness. I thought. During the reception I was immediately approached by a girl I went to high school with. In all honesty, I didn’t recognize her. I’m the worst with recalling names and have the absolute worst memory you can imagine. But that’s not really the point here. This girl told me she read my blog. I was pretty taken aback. I know some of my friends read it and have a told a couple friends about it who have experienced pregnancy loss, but I never imagined someone that I didn’t even recognize from high school would have read it. She thanked me for writing it and told me how much it helped her get through the pain of her miscarriages. We talked for a while about the feelings that go with miscarriages and how we wish more people would talk about it. She also confided in me that she is 8 weeks pregnant now and is scared out of her mind. I could totally relate to her and told her the amazingness of how it feels when you get through that pregnancy and then finally get to hold that baby. I’m not sure if I helped her, but I appreciated having someone else to talk with about this type of pain. This encounter also helped validate that I am helping women, women I don’t even know I am helping. But that wasn’t the really weird thing. This is where it gets super weird.
I went home after the funeral and was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. But I knew I still needed to face what the day was to my husband and I, the anniversary of the loss of our baby as well as National Pregnancy Loss Day. My sweet husband had gone out and purchased a candle to light in remembrance. “Wave of Light” is part of the Remembrance Day. Everyone who has experienced a loss is supposed to light a candle at 7pm their time, for an hour, which would then create a wave of light throughout the nation. Part of me dreaded this part of my day but part of me also needed to take this time to remember all of our losses and think about them with Joe. We turned the lights off in our room and Joe lit the candle. I held it while thinking about all of our pain, as well as the gratitude I had from what I have learned through this journey. Joe took a picture of me while I was holding the candle. When he showed me the picture, I just stared at it. I looked up at him, in shock, and asked him if he saw what I saw. He looked at it and just looked back at me. “You see it, right?” He just smiled. I said, “That’s weird, right?” His response “That’s not weird”. The more I looked at it, the more I saw. For those who have not read the story of my miscarriages, go read it. Very long story short, I have suffered through 6 miscarriages. Five of the miscarriages were early miscarriages, but one of them was 10 weeks along and resulted in a D and C. Look at the picture of me holding the candle. You will first see the large orb above my head. But if you look closely, you will see 5 more small orbs. They look like little white flecks on our head board. You guys!!! There aren’t white flecks on my headboard. When I saw the picture, I kept looking at my headboard to see if I was missing something. Those spots aren’t there! There are 6 (the same number of miscarriages) orbs surrounding me. I pointed this out to Joe and he just stared at me. Again, I said “that’s weird, right?”. Again, he said “that’s not weird”. We talked about whether they are always with me or if they were just there for this day. He seems to think that it was probably just for that day and time because we’ve never seen them in any other picture I’ve taken, and I take a lot of pictures! But let’s be honest, anyone who’s ever gone through this knows that they are always with us. Whether they show up in a picture or not, the memory or spirit is always there. Like the actual miscarriages themselves, I knew there was something I was supposed to learn from this. It solidified that I was on the right path and it also gave me the peace I was looking for in knowing that I was doing what was right. It was almost like the orbs were telling me to keep sharing my story. Like they were there to remind me that I needed to keep thinking of them, and all the other losses, and to not stop when it gets hard. To not care what others were thinking of my journey, but to continue on the path of helping other women out there. I was only supposed to keep that candle lit for an hour, but I had a hard time blowing it out after an hour, so I let it burn for 2 hours. When I blew it out, I told my little orbs that they can stay with me or I would see them again next year, but that I wouldn’t forget them, and I would live my life to the fullest in their memories.
You guys, I know it’s hard at times, but follow your path. Pay attention to those signs and live the life you were put here for.
I'm an average girl who has discovered her passion for self-development after warrioring (yes, it's a word) through 6 miscarriages. I took that passion and applied it to helping others find their passions through High Performance Coaching. Boy mom to two "energetic boys" and navigating the art of being a step mom to a teenage girl, all while working daily on maintaining an authentic relationship with the best husband around. Sometimes mindful. Sometimes a runner. Always a little crazy!